The Wound Beneath the Win: Childhood Trauma, Great Wealth and the Restless Heart
Some of the most accomplished people I work with have built companies worth more than most people will see in a lifetime. And some of them tell me, quietly, that none of it has touched the ache they've carried since they were young.
One owner said to me, "I have five Lamborghinis and a private jet, and none of it means anything to me."
That isn't a character flaw. Psychology and Scripture both point to the same thing: a wound can drive a person to succeed, but success can't heal your wound.
What the research can and can't say
No study has measured childhood trauma among high-net-worth people. That group almost never takes part in research. What we do have is evidence about early adversity, entrepreneurs, and the very wealthy, and it points in a consistent direction.
Childhood adversity is common. About 64% of U.S. adults report at least one adverse childhood experience, and about 17% report four or more (CDC, 2023). For entrepreneurs, that adversity can become fuel. A study that followed 4,222 Americans from childhood found that early hardship pushed people toward starting businesses by making them more willing to break rules and bet on themselves. It also held them back by lowering their confidence (Yu, Stephan & Bao, 2023). Among U.S. entrepreneurs, those who faced moderate hardship were the most resilient, and that resilience predicted higher income (Yu et al., 2022).
The child who learned that the world wasn't safe often becomes the adult who makes it safe by controlling it. The same instinct that builds a $100 million company was usually formed in a home where safety wasn't an option. Overly controlling or perfectionistic owners usually operate from unresolved wounds and a belief structure that doesn't allow vulnerability.
Why more success, more money, never feels like enough
When a child's sense of being loved depends on performance, achievement becomes how that child receives his/her worth. A review of 46 studies found that parents' high expectations and criticism predict perfectionism later in life (Smith et al., 2022). Teens whose mothers were less nurturing placed more value on financial success (Kasser et al., 1995).
The wealth research shows where this road ends. Among more than 4,000 millionaires, happiness rose only at $8–10 million and above, and even then only modestly (Donnelly et al., 2018). Money won't make you happy, and it can't heal the wounds inside you.
Scripture said this long before researchers did. Solomon had more wealth than anyone of his time, and he concluded: "Then I considered all that my hands had done and the toil I had expended in doing it, and behold, all was vanity and a striving after wind" (Ecclesiastes 2:11, ESV). Augustine named the reason: "You have made us for yourself, and our heart is restless until it rests in you" (Confessions I.1). In other words, we are created by God to be with him first, and we'll be restless until we abide with him (John 15), no matter our financial position.
The cost at home
The wound usually shows up most clearly in marriage. Childhood trauma goes with insecure attachment, and a review of 132 studies found that insecure attachment lowers relationship satisfaction for both spouses (Candel & Turliuc, 2019). In an analysis of 69,793 U.S. adults, some childhood adversities roughly doubled the odds of divorce or separation (Loudermilk et al., 2016). A founder who learned to need no one is often admired at work, lonely at home, and isolated from God.
Christian psychiatrist Curt Thompson argues that shame is healed only by being fully known and still loved, by God and by other people (The Soul of Shame, 2015). That's exactly what the self-made achiever has learned to avoid.
A different foundation
The answer isn't to stop building. It's to stop building from the wound. That's the work of Alignment Coaching. We bring your walk with God, your marriage, and your business into order, so your identity rests on being God's beloved rather than on your results. When that foundation shifts, the rest of your life can finally follow.
Take the free 3-minute Alignment Quiz to see where you're out of alignment, or call me at 763-458-3722.
AI was used to conduct research for this article.
References
Augustine. Confessions, Book I.1 (trans. H. Chadwick, Oxford, 1991).
CDC (2023). Prevalence of ACEs among U.S. adults, 2011–2020. MMWR 72(26)
Candel, O. & Turliuc, M. (2019). Insecure attachment and relationship satisfaction: A meta-analysis. Personality and Individual Differences
Donnelly, G., Zheng, T., Haisley, E. & Norton, M. (2018). The amount and source of millionaires' wealth (moderately) predict their happiness. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin
Kasser, T., Ryan, R., Zax, M. & Sameroff, A. (1995). Developmental Psychology, 31(6), 907–914.
Loudermilk, E. et al. (2016). The role of ACEs in adult divorce and separation.
Smith, M. et al. (2022). Parenting behaviors and trait perfectionism: A meta-analysis. Journal of Research in Personality
Yu, W., Stephan, U. & Bao, J. (2023). Childhood adversities: Mixed blessings for entrepreneurial entry. Journal of Business Venturing
Yu, W., Zhu, F., Foo, M. & Wiklund, J. (2022). Journal of Business Research